I’ve been through a lot in my eighteen years on this planet, a lot.
Every moment follows you through your life, creeping behind you when you think t might have disappeared into that shadow you leave behind.
These are the thoughts as the breeze rushes through my hair, flowing behind me and fists clenched.
I couldn’t pinpoint when it began, when my life hit that downwards trajectory, it just happened.
And then I was broken.
I remember one of the earlier moments, the girls at school and the things they said. Sure I had my friends and they were there for me, but that didn’t make it all go away.
You’d think at that time, that young age it’d stop. It’d go away but no, it continues throughout the years.
I remember when I was fifteen. The guy I liked, fell for and wanted to be with was Derek Matthews. I’d stare at him across the class all the time and then one day he actually asked me out.
My heart kept skipping and my head was spinning, I couldn’t believe it. Everything imaginable was swinging through my head, except one thing.
All he wanted to do was have sex with me. He didn’t want to have a relationship or even talk to me, he just wanted to get straight to it and because I liked him so much I let him.
It was the moment I felt everything be taken away from me.
But that was never the worst of it though in this dark tinted life I’ve led.
In the moment right now I have my hands clenched and my eyes tight shut. I can’t bare to see what’s beneath, but I can feel it closing in.
At seventeen my life fell to pieces. It came crumbling down around me and it was in front of me the whole time.
I was finally with a man I loved and I get it, we were seventeen, but he felt like the one.
Except one night, that one night I went back to his and I walked into his home, that one night I made that fatal error of my life.
I caught him, in the act with my best friend Sarah and Jessica, sleeping together. The three of them, there in front of me.
These two had been with me since the start. They’d been through the motions of those girls bullying me at such a young age.
They were there when I went in tears to them after Derek at fifteen on that fateful night. Helping me through and holding on to me because I was losing grip over life.
They brought me back from those dark depths but after that moment I saw them, witnessed them in his home, with him it all dragged me back in like a black smoke taking over my body.
Now here on my eighteenth birthday, the air blowing through hair and my eyes still as tight as they can but my fists begin to unclench and let the cold breeze stream through my fingers.
I’ve thought over those moments a lot these past years and there’s nothing I can do.
In retrospect, it was all over.